Mommies Dearest
Happy Mother’s Day! To all the moms out there - thank you! If you haven't given yourself a round of applause yet, please do. Take a load off, have a drink, and remember:
Family Trees
Growing up with a single mom made Father’s Day strange. In school we glued “I love my dad” poems to cards that I would doctor to say “uncle” or “grandpa”, ruining key rhymes in the process. By necessity I learnt that fatherly love didn’t have to be limited to one person - lots of people give off dad energy.
Mother’s Day is a challenge for many. For those mourning lost children, lost mothers, and fraught relationships, changing a few words in a poem doesn't cut it.
That said, mom energy can be found in all kinds of places too.
Namely, in nature. There's infinite videos of dogs and cats adopting different species as their own, the tragic story of the whale on her 17-day “grief tour” after her calf died, alligators carrying their babies in their mouths - wherever you turn a new super mom appears in the animal kingdom.
Suzanne Simard has made a career studying moms in nature. Her subjects, however, are less well known for their parenting. Simard studies trees.
“Mother trees” are community leaders with root systems that connect to hundreds of other trees. This connection allows them to send nutrients and information to members of their community. Moreover, research has shown that mother trees can recognize their own saplings and will provide extra support to them.
That said mother trees also share resources with smaller members of their network. Struggling neighbours are still part of the family roots, and these parents are non-discriminatory with their support. A mother tree is a mother to all.
Mother trees demonstrate that moms, the ones you know and the ones you don't, are the invisible backbone of our communities.
They Call Me Mother
Mother trees embody the “it takes a village” attitude. They've developed a connected web for a whole ecosystem to fall back on - a powerful plant matriarchy.
This is the second Mother's Day in a row many of us have been cut off from our networks. From November to May the lockdown has made any family life challenging. While I've been stuck in my apartment my grandmother has aged almost beyond recognition. The last time I hugged her was over Thanksgiving, and even then it was against the rules.
COVID is at once unifying and isolating. Looking through the windows of the condo next door reminds me that we’re all going through something together. That said, I freak out when someone wants to interact with me on the elevator.
Being apart reminds me that family is a choice. Blood is inherited, relationships are formed.
In queer communities chosen families are often safe havens. The group you're born into isn't necessarily the one that can nurture you to your full potential. No one embodies this more than mother Ru Paul. Over the course of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, over 150 contestants have joined her family. Biologically related or not, Ru girls are connected and supported by Ru herself.
The mother tree of drag.
Today is her day too. Hers, and anyone who's lifted someone up this year. The work mentors who've pushed young women ahead, the city neighbour who made sure you had food, your regular barista who takes an extra moment to check in. These are the pseudo-moms who help the whole community get by.
Workin’ Moms
Mothers have become even stronger community pillars in the pandemic, both personally and professionally.
Many of the hardest hit industries are female-dominated. Nurses and educators have been on the frontlines since day one. My mom has adapted to teach her students online and still finds time to send me impromptu care packages and animal videos. Mark’s mom opens her doors to us every time our apartment becomes too claustrophobic.
At home working moms are 1.5 times more likely to report an additional 3 hours of household chores a day. In October 63% of American moms said they were the primary supervisor of children’s online learning (compared to 29% of men)
Crazy pressure on women’s dual lives as mothers and employees forced many out of the workforce in what has been coined the “she-cession”. A mass exodus of women between 20-24 and 35-39 have left work faster than any other group in the pandemic. Many jumped ship to take care of young children who aren’t able to attend school or daycare.
Across North America the unemployment rate for women is approximately 5% lower than it was at the start of last year and 2% lower than the rate for men. This is a tragic flip from December 2019 when women held more payroll jobs than male workers. By April 2020 women represented 55% of the 20.5 million jobs lost.
Unsurprisingly the pandemic hit working class women and women of colour harder. By May 2020, for example, the unemployment rate of single mothers had tripled in 3 months.
Even as the tides started turning, women kept leaving. In September, 54,000 Canadian men went back to work. At the same time, 57,000 women left.
The numbers are glaring, and the future is looming. COVID is stripping agency away from women, particularly moms. For all the progress we've made getting into the workforce, the current scarcity of childcare has put many women back at home - whether they want to be there or not.
Mothers I’d Like to Finance
Coming back to work is a whole other issue.
In normal times maternity leave can be the kiss of death for careers. Statistically women’s earnings drop significantly after having kids. Mens don’t. The discrepancy is so major that the gender wage gap is often referred to as the "motherhood penalty".
Runners famously have been forced to compete while pregnant or postpartum to keep their sponsorships. A dip in performance could eliminate their pay, meaning they have no choice but to train up until and directly after giving birth. In the last few years many have spoken out about the need for maternity leave in women's sports to mitigate health risks and human rights concerns.
Similarly, Canadian boxer Many Bujold was recently denied a Tokyo Olympic spot because of pregnancy. Bujold was set to compete in a qualifying tournament this year, but it was cancelled due to the pandemic. As such, the International Olympic Committee has decided to use standings from 3 events in 2018-2019 to determine berth.
Unfortunately, Bujold happened to be pregnant or postpartum during the qualifying events the IOC has chosen.
Bujold, who consistently ranks in the top 4 of her weight class, filed an appeal and was blatantly denied by the committee. Now she's taking it to court.
Bujold says it best on instagram:
"We gave the IOC the opportunity to step-up and do the right thing for female athletes who took a brief break to have a child. The IOC’s position is surprising not only from a human rights perspective, but also in view of the multiple public statements it has recently made with respect to its commitment to women and gender equity, specifically in the context of the Tokyo Olympics"
You can donate to her legal fees on her GoFundMe page.
Postpartum Reflection
Like mother trees, women have supported all of us through their web. In COVID we forced them to the frontlines, out of careers, and depended on them for emotional support.
The moms stepped up - no questions asked.
How we treat these women in the after-times should be reflective of how we leaned on them throughout his pandemic. There are absolutes that we can no longer ignore: emotional labour is labour, giving support takes resources, and birthing children takes recovery time.
If we cut down our mother trees, the whole ecosystem suffers.
