Women-Hating Iguanas
Today we're exploring sexism in the reptile world and discussing the chauvinist chameleons - chaumeleons? - of the animal kingdom.
I apologize in advance if you have a pet iguana, because I am about to hit you with some HOT takes that I didn't even know I had brewing deep down.
On the scale of pets (see what I did there?) iguanas rank on the weirder side. They aren't known for being particularly cuddly, and they definitely aren't helping you land any dates. Even vets are ready to admit that there is only "anecdotal evidence" that they care about their owners. Unlike dogs, these scaly beasts aren't about to wag their tails or roll over for treats. Instead, they will do what iguanas do best and sit stoically for hours on end.
As strange as they are, I will concede that Selma made lizard-owning look cool. And it would be unfair for me to ignore that I owned a gecko for years. His name was Bleeker, and he ate crickets, basked on rocks, and never showed me any affection.
He was about as cute as a lizard could be, and my old roommate still nicknamed him "Snake Face."
But I learnt something absolutely batshit about iguanas recently that I just can't stop thinking about: male iguanas attack women who are on their periods.
Yeah you read that right. Iguanas not only can tell that you're menstruating, but they will attack you for it.
Talk about kicking you while you're down....
Evil
Iguana Fuck
There is a scientific explanation for this. Most pets are able to tell when it's your time of the month due to your hormone levels and smell. For those Twi-hards out there, Stephanie Meyer graciously let us know that vampires can tell the difference between tasty blood and period blood in much the same way.
For iguanas, this smell is bit more of a turn on than it is for Edward.
In fact, menstruating women smell a lot like female iguanas during mating season. This is a humbling comparison. It also means that male iguanas will try to mate with female owners whose cycle lines up with their breeding times.
And don't think you're off the hook if you've paid your woman dues and no longer bleed like the rest of us. No, these tiny demons can still detect hormone changes after hysterectomies and post-menopause. They are wired to know your cycle even better than you do.
For this reason vets recommend that you avoid handling iguanas during your period (not a problem), and they even suggest that the risk of attack is higher when you're at eye level. In my opinion, if you are ever close enough to an iguana for it to mistake your eye contact as flirting, you are too damn close. Please avoid winking at any and all reptiles from here on out. Thank you.
Iguana breeder Melissa Kaplan has a website where she offers tips and tricks to avoiding these attacks. Her lizard, Freddy, lunged at her neck and assaulted her hands to the point that they were "severely torn and infected for a couple of months.”
.....Naturally, I had a hard digesting this information. It seems so implausible. So I did what any rational personal would do, and I took to Reddit for answers.
Behold the horrors:
Think about that for a second. Just imagine.
You're laying on the beach, nursing a spicy marg, soaking in the rays, and then a FUCKING GIANT LIZARD charges at you from out of nowhere. This is the stuff of nightmares - a low budget Jurassic Park.
And people are keeping these things IN THEIR HOMES!
Reptile Dysfunction
Despite this, people love their iguanas. Like any pet, there are "iguana moms" and lizard fanatics who refuse to see any flaws in their chosen creatures. Unsurprisingly, these owners have found ways around the monthly assaults.
First, there are certain things you should avoid if you don't want to provoke your horny lizard. Iguanas are drawn to colours that remind them of other iguanas (narcissists), so you should immediately purge greens and purples from your closet. That's right, no more jewel tones if you want to stay safe.
To this end, you might consider creating a decoy for you lizard to rape instead of your hands. People swear by this kind of "transference" as a way to placate their pets. Just like teenage boys, iguanas will claim they're suffering from blue balls, so to prevent a "neurotic ig", our friend Melissa Kaplan lets Freddy roll around with a green dishtowel. She also says that she comes home to find it "dragged into the den" like a dead body and "slightly damp" from Freddy's activities. Gross.
Apparently though, iguanas all have different sex toy preferences. One size does not fit all lizard fantasies. That said, many owners make a Luv Sock that is uniquely suited to their pet. What is a Luv Sock, you ask? It's unfortunately exactly what you think it is: a masturbation sock for iguanas. This one is fashioned to look like another lizard that your pet can canoodle with all day long...
Cold Blooded
As sick as all of this is, people have a way of making it even worse.
Take for instance this song by Fobia.
Why couldn't we just leave the horny iguanas alone? We had to turn them into a pick-up tactic? I say "we", but I mean "men".
Of course this combines two of my least favourite things: misogyny & scales.
I don't blame the iguanas - they're wired that way. It's not their fault that they are genetically designed to attack women. Reptilian brain is a phrase for a reason, and it would be ridiculous to think that they have enough reasoning ability to understand why your hand is not an ideal mate.
Fobia, however, should know better. To use lizards as a way to exploit women is doubly cruel, especially when you're doing it in a such a catchy pop song. At least make a heavy metal version so that most of us aren't listening anyway...
Rise of the Lizard People
The other piece that makes this phenomenon so disturbing is the owners. Specifically, the female owners. Women adore their iguanas, even after abuse.
There’s a pretty heavy metaphor here, and I’m not going to spell it out.
As an animal lover, I do understand making excuses for your pet. If you’ll allow me to quote Bob Ross again, "If we’re going to have animals around we all have to be concerned about them and take care of them.” And I completely agree. The lizards don't know any better, and it is our job to look after them. Even with more standard pets we justify their behaviour - he's still in training, she's not good with other dogs, your hand smells like food - whatever it is that gets us off the hook for having an unruly animal.
This exists, and you can buy it here for $40 USD.
But maybe there are more misogynist lizards out there than we think, and maybe we’re trained to make excuses (I lied. I totally am going to dive into this metaphor).
Like with iguanas, woman are told everyday to change THEIR behaviour to avoid attacks and advances. Don't wear green, purple, short skirts, or spaghetti straps, less a lizard or man charges you on the beach. Speaking of which, why were you even on the beach? You should always walk in groups of 2 or more, avoid reptile hotspots, and cary iguana-mace just in case...
But we know that these measures don't do much by way of protection. Most rapes are committed by people that you trust, not period-crazed monsters that spring up in the sand.
Maybe we’re so use to this kind of treatment that we can find it endearing when our pet rips apart our hands thinking that we are in heat. Maybe that is cute and forgivable in a world where men are still not held accountable for rape. Where a president can have 24 sexual assault allegations and BLM protesters could be in jail longer than Brock Turner. Where Kavanaugh is making the rules and priests are being smuggled from school to school to avoid the consequences of raping students.
Maybe then it is endearing. Because an iguana isn’t going to kill you, and you don’t have to watch it walk away with a clean record or community service. And if an attack does happen, you can rationalize that they didn't know any better, that it was your fault for looking him in the eye, and that it won't happen again because you'll be more careful. It isn’t humiliating to tell that story, you don’t have to do it in front of the world, and no one calls you a liar.
But it’s still horrible. Just because the world is built that way, doesn’t mean we need pet iguanas around to add to our burden.
