Thick Thighs Save Flies
Nobody likes a fake bitch, but we've all faked it once or twice. The animal kingdom isn't all that different. From trout to bugs, we've all been a little sneaky in the sack, only I think these creatures are doing it better than we are...
Photo by David Funk
Like the swarms of influencers on my newsfeed, long-tailed dance flies have also learnt the benefits of big booties. Of course, it's not exactly revolutionary to discover that dudes like butts. That feels like a universal truth throughout the animal kingdom. Without Facetune to help, however, these insects have developed an ingenious way to maintain their "Hot Girl Summer" aesthetics.
Scientist David Funk, who also has one of the coolest names around, found that some of these lady flies are using the insect equivalent of implants to seduce men. Essentially, they swallow air to inflate their asses.
Quite literally bubble butts.
Unlike people, flies don't have a Kardashian family telling them that butts are in vogue. So what gives? Why are these bugs so desperate to get thick? Well, when females are ready to lay eggs, their bodies swell to “ten times their previous size.” Like an Irish girl with a turned out claddagh ring, reproductively mature flies advertise their swollen bodies to find a mate.
The big pro of having a body full of eggs is that male flies will bring you food. That's right, to mate with a lady fly, men bring gifts of prey for an exchange: sex for snacks. As a result, younger female flies have figured out how to mimic the look of fertility with air. At night, they even parade around with their legs around their puffed out sections to emphasize the size. The Fashion Nova attire of insects.
Despite how much effort it might take us to get ready for a night out, these flies are actually acting out of laziness. If they can get a man to bring them food, they can spend all day sleeping. And, as the weaker flyers, females prefer to laze about than to hunt. I mean who can blame them?
Of course, lots of animals use forms of prostitution in their populations, but there’s an added layer of trickery in these flies that is intriguing.
You know what they say, you catch more flies with ass than you do with honey.
Fishy Behaviour
Lies and sex aren't limited to insects. For example, there is a fish famous for faking orgasm, tipping the scales of sexual power in their populations.
Apparently a female brown trout will fake orgasm about half the time. Wow.
When mating, brown trout do a little dance over a hole built to deposit eggs. The woman starts the courtship, gyrating alone until a suitor feels so inclined as to join her. They both do this open-mouthed, which looks a bit desperate, but I'm sure is super hot in the fish world.
At the end of the dance, the female will release her eggs into the hole and the male with spray his seed all over 'em. Alas, aim is of the essence, and the procedure is delicate. Apparently the fertilization rate is extremely low unless the sperm is directly on top of the eggs at the moment of their release. If our heroine has any suspicion that her partner isn't capable of such a maneuver, she might hold off on dumping out all her precious cargo. In fact, the speculation from researches is that the male has to be in exactly the right spot for her to completely finish.
#Relatable
The fish slut-shamers of the world think her motive is more quantitative. If she can mate with as many males as possible, more sperm will be released over her eggs creating a better chance of her spawn surviving.**
Either way, if the female trout isn't entirely satisfied with her mating experience, she won't go through the final motions of burying the eggs in sand. Alas, this leaves the males confused, no doubt wondering why she isn’t covering her eggs after the best sex of her life. They flounder around trying to understand what went wrong while she digs a new hole, prepping for the next suitor right in front of him. A power move.
Female brown trout have also been known to stop midway through sex if they think the experience is going awry. Too far to the right? She stops withering. A smidge crooked? Forget about it. But, unsurprisingly, excited males often miss these cues and go until completion anyway. A big let down when they're clear headed again.
If only they could take Dory's age-old advice and just keep swimming.
**This is a totally valid theory. I don't think the BBC is full of fish slut-shaming
The Orgasm Gap
Unfortunately, unsatisfying sex isn't just a fish problem. Not finishing is apparently a point of connection for women across multiple species.
The orgasm gap is a phenomenon that exists in heterosexual relationships. Basically research has found that women are having orgasms shockingly less than men. In fact a recent viral video of a sex educator wearing a uterus-covered dress explained that “[i]f you go into a heterosexual hook-up you have an 11% chance of an orgasm.”
11% - Think about that for a second. That's like a dangerously low phone battery.
A different study compared the orgasms of men and women in heterosexual relationships and found that 96% of men orgasm most of the time, but only 39% of women can say the same. Compare that with the 93% chance that you have of climaxing in a lesbian hook-up, and an extremely tragic realization happens: men are lost when it comes to female pleasure, and women aren’t helping them.
A true queen. Captured by @JordannJust
There a few reasons why this gap exists, but the most obvious to me begins with sex education.
To cut to the point, female pleasure is considered less of a priority or a ‘bonus’ to sexual experience. When we only discuss sex as a baby-making tool we often forget to include female orgasm because is not explicitly necessary in that narrative. One article notes that “[o]ur very definitions of ‘sex’ are usually skewed towards penis-in-vagina sex with male orgasm as the end goal, so most young children grow up thinking that sex begins with an erection and ends in ejaculation.”
A Ted Talk by Peggy Orenstein also highlights that sex ed diagrams of the female genitalia often only focus on internal components, meaning areas like the clitoris are left out. Sound familiar? Orenstein goes on to explain that kids are taught that “...boys have erections and ejaculations, and girls have periods and unwanted pregnancy.”
What kind of precedent is that setting for the future sexual health of these kids? That kind of explanation makes sex something to fear for women, and a goal for men. It also encourages a "get through it" kind of attitude for young women who don't understand the capabilities of their own bodies but know that sex is required of them.
To this end, one article points out an interesting pop culture tidbit: as a society, we have a million names for a penis, including a comedy classic - the wiener, but can you name one other word for the clitoris? Maybe a bean? Either way, it hasn’t been normalized as a part of sex the same way a vagina has, which is fundamentally problematic considering the majority of women can only climax with clitoral stimulation. As our lord and saviour, the woman in the uterus dress says we need to spend “at least 80-60% of the time we're having sex on the clit.”
80% -That's practically a fully charged battery! Imagine learning that in school. How might your sex life have been different? Truly everyone benefits with that lesson!
Fake It ‘Til You Make It
An even more disturbing figure is revealed when the men are asked about female orgasms. A US National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour identified that 85% of men claimed their partner had an orgasm.
I mean we shouldn’t be surprised, but I was really hoping for better news.
How are men reporting 46% more orgasms for their female partners? A few reasons - one is pure ignorance, another is women not expressing what they need. Maybe they don’t know what they want, or maybe it’s too much trouble when you could just fake it instead. More likely it's a combination of the two.
In the immortal words of Nikki Minaj "I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that.” Preach it Nikki!
Of course even that battle cry is too good to be true. Cosmopolitan - the tried and true sex magazine of young women everywhere - referred to her in that same article as being “high-maintenance in bed”.
Bitch, no.
This is part of the problem. If demanding that you have a good time during sex is high maintenance, then no wonder the orgasm gap is so big. Starting as children we aren't taught that sex can be fun for anybody but men, you get labelled as difficult if you try to assert what you want, and the magazine you expect to teach you the way is perpetuating the issue.
But let's change our perspective slightly. Even the brown trout keeps going until she’s satisfied, albeit with different partners, but still. You have every right to be more “high-maintenance” than a damn fish. Hell, you’ve probably seen that trout on some white dude’s Tinder picture. The same guy who thinks his penis can make a woman orgasm 85% of the time. Flies are out here getting served food for looking hot, so the least you deserve is for someone to spend 60%-80% of their time on your clit.
Be better than the fish. More importantly, be better than the dude with the fish.
Pretty nauseating example from my favourite Tumblr page, Guys Holding Fish On Tinder
To Finish Off…
With all that said, I think we should focus on some positives. Luckily there are shows like Sex Education and Big Mouth to discuss the limitations of the sexual health curriculum, and more and more companies are popping up to narrow the orgasm gap.
OMG Yes, for example, is a subscription based website that gives courses on different techniques for female pleasure. The information is based on scientific studies, and the money they earn goes to fund more research. Take a gander at some of the techniques they go through below. Definitely not what I learnt in sex ed:
Porn companies like Dipsea also exist to lend a female point of view to erotic content. As a female founded start-up, Dipsea wanted to focus on a “mind-first approach to sexuality” that helps women get in the right mood to explore their sexuality. It’s an audio based model that leaves room for your imagination and that you can listen to anywhere.
Dipsea, fucking killing it.
As women get more comfortable learning about and discussing their bodies, the orgasm gap will shrink. Like fly bubble butts and fishy orgasms, we can have the sex lives we want if we give ourselves time to evolve. We can have that 80% if we demand it.
I think Dipsea hits the nail on the head with their slogan, so I'll leave you with this:
“Tapping into your sexual power is just that—powerful.”
