The Most Dramatic Blog Yet
If you’ve been watching The Bachelorette, you know Katie Thurston is "sex positive.”
Katie made a name for herself as a contestant last year when she came out of the limo waving a vibrator. Her openness didn’t win Matt James' heart, but it did earn her a spot as this season’s bachelorette. Now she’s encouraging the men on her season to flaunt their sexuality as much as possible.
Katie’s vigour for sex often comes across like a gimmick being pushed by the producers. The whole season is centred around sexual intimacy and how often they can have "sex positive” said on screen.
In reality, Katie's relationship with sex is much more complicated than puns and innuendo.
On June 21st’s episode Katie opened up about her past sexual assault, something she hadn’t even shared with her mom prior to being on the show.
During a group date she told the men that 10 years ago she “was involved in a situation where there wasn’t consent.” For a few years after the assault Katie maintained a relationship with her attacker, saying “I didn’t want to believe what actually had happened.. And when that didn’t work out, for years I had a very unhealthy relationship with sex.”
In a podcast interview after the episode, Katie explains that she thought dating her assailant would make the assault okay. She felt she could justify the sexual violence if he became her boyfriend. In subsequent relationships Katie didn't enjoy having sex, but she felt guilty for not fulfilling her partners “needs.” Thus she began a toxic cycle of forcing sex to keep boyfriends happy.
Her focus on sexual health is the result of therapy, self-reflection, and a decade of processing her own story. No wonder she's so keen to flaunt her vibrator.
Katies story is, unfortunately, not unique. That said, her statement dispels multiple misconceptions about rape. Namely that it’s uncommon for victims to stay in touch with their attackers. She also demonstrates that talking about assault is really fucking hard. 10 years can be a realistic timeline to be comfortable sharing with parents and close friends - never mind the trauma of reporting.
Watching Katie disclose the root of her “sexual positivity” would be powerful in any circumstance. That 4.2 million people tuned in to hear her reiterate the importance of consent is a major bonus.
Trust the Process
The underlying message is that a healthy relationship with sex takes time to build.
Women start at a deficit of sexual empowerment. Little girls are objectified before they can understand or desire sex. As teenagers our virginity is deemed attractive, and at 18 we’re expected to transform into sexual vixens overnight. Adult women are simultaneously expected to be innocent and sexy. Too far in either direction and you become a prude or a whore.
Don’t worry if you aren't sure which side you align with. An angry man will let you know how exactly you’re not measuring up...
Men’s actions also colour our image. A girl who was abandoned by her father has “daddy issues.” A single mother is careless. A woman in an abusive relationship is weak. Someone who doesn’t immediately report her rape is a liar.
There's no right way to heal from trauma, but society has set ideas of what constitutes a “good” victim. We reserve our sympathy to those who dress modestly, are white, of a certain affluence, and who don’t have any skeletons in their own closet. We believe some women are “asking for it”, that sex work yields sexual violence, that getting assaulted while drunk is your fault, and that kinks invite harm.
After the fact, the expectation is that you report without pause. You can’t question what happened less you leave room for interpretation.
Katie’s story is a reminder that it can take years to understand the trauma of assault. Most victims know their abusers, and rape is often a result of coercion (not physical force), meaning it's often easier to think “I must have misunderstood” than it is to believe that person would intentionally cause harm.
It’s hard enough to comprehend, for example, that a friend would talk shit behind your back. When confronted, that same friend would likely convince you that they hadn’t.
Imagine those dynamics at play when it comes to sexual violence.
The coping that follows can wreak havoc on other relationships, your mental health, and even issues with personal identity. It's also used against survivors as proof that the assault was deserved or fabricated. People like to imagine victims as jumpy, scared, and on the brink of tears. Anything that deviates from the script is automatically suspicious. For some the coping might look like hyper-promiscuity to reclaim their sexual identity. For Katie, romantically pursuing her attacker helped her come to terms.
A 2020 University of New Hampshire study by Matthew Moschella found that many sexual assault survivors seek risky dating partners or remain in abusive relationships after their attack. He even made this handy little graph to show common patterns found in recovering victims:
Dealing with trauma is generally not a linear process. Many victims fall into cycles of abuse or promiscuity that compound the trauma. Sexual violence in particular involves shades of guilt and shame that make healing all the more difficult. It's hard to talk about, many survivors aren't believed, and most cases are "he said, she said" situations. Research has even shown that forgetting and misremembering assault may be both necessary and adaptive to help survivors cope, making claims harder to prove.
Legally speaking, the longer it takes to process, the harder it is to prosecute. The burden of proof is on victims, so only the most airtight stories make their way to court. Not only do trials force survivors to re-live their trauma, every part of their coping behaviour will be scrutinized. Risky sexual behaviour, reaching out to the defendant, not disclosing or reporting the assault immediately, inconsistencies in the story after time - everything is on the table as a way to poke holes in credibility
So why bother? Recovery needs time to breathe, and the court system is relentless.
Rape is hard enough to process without due process.
…And The Drama Continues
When victims do come forward, they often get dragged through the media. Recently MLB player Trevor Bauer has become a case study for consent.
This one is rough, so I will give a trigger warning.
Last spring Trevor started a fling with a woman who likes rough sex. Over their 2 sexual encounters, Trevor got progressively more and more violent. The first started consensually, but allegedly turned violent and ended in anal sex that was not agreed to.
The victim stayed in touch with Trevor, and they made plans to meet again. During the second assault she claims he choked her unconscious, sodomized her, and punched her multiple times in the vagina and face. After suffering headaches and vomiting, she went to the doctor and was suspected of having a skull fracture. While filing a report the police recorded a conversation between her and Trevor where he allegedly admitted to punching her while unconscious.
The victim connected with Trevor again before filing a restraining order (which she has since been granted) and listed her injuries. She also sent a text that read “just grateful that you are showing that you care.”
Many fans don't understand why she maintained contact with her alleged attacker. Seemingly more damning are the texts she sent in between the first and second encounter. His defence team released the following exchange about her passing out as a way to put her credibility into question:
“Never been more turned on in my life,” she says. “Gimme all the pain. Rawr.”
“Really? When you were going out or when you woke up?” he replies.
“Going outttt…”
To Trevor supporters, this is an open and shut case. She said she liked it, therefore she must always want it. She’s still talking to him, therefore it can’t be that bad.
In reality consent can be taken away at any point. Sheryl Ring wrote a brilliant piece on the mechanics of consent in this particular case that I highly recommend. The main thesis is this: “A person sending flirtatious text messages is not consenting to sex at a later time, nor is it retroactive consent to prior sexual acts.”
Moreover, there are limitations for what you can consent to. For instance, I legally cannot consent to you injecting heroin into my leg. I can say I want it, I can tell you to do it, but legally it’s still a no-go. This logic extends to death or any “grievous bodily harm” - a skull fracture, for instance. No matter how badly you want it, in the eyes of the law you cannot consent to serious injury.
This barrier to consent exists to protect against power-imbalances and coercion. Rape, as we know, is often coerced and not forced. Similarly, you’re more likely to “consent” to being injured if someone is already holding a weapon. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you might agree to sex acts you wouldn’t have otherwise.
Without this protection it would be a huge loophole for murderers to simply get written consent before killing. Or, a more on the nose example, for rapists to use flirty texts messages as proof of willingness.
In this case there is also the question of capacity. We all know “drunk means no” and that minors are not able to consent. Unconscious people are also unable to give a green light for sexual acts, or, more specifically, a punch to the face.
Releasing these texts don’t do anything to support Trevor’s case in any meaningful legal way. That said, his team has a simple tactic at play - slut shame the victim in the court of public opinion.
No one is surprised that it's working.
The Final Rose
When we see stories of rape, we often forget the aftermath. Whether Trevor is prosecuted or not, his victim will be dealing with her assault for years to come.
Most attackers, by contract, walk away unscathed. Even the big name bad guys like Bill Cosby and Brock Turner are free men.
So, presumably, is Katie’s assailant.
Sexual assault affects 1 in 3 Canadian women and 1 in 8 men. This is a pandemic seeping into relationships and sexual health worldwide. The more compassion we have for everyone coping, the easier it will be to work on lowering this stat.
Katie’s story is refreshing in that it depicts the lengthy journey that follows an attack. She shows that trauma is not an isolated instance, but something that is constantly tended to. Katie also shines a light at the end of the tunnel. She proves that a healthy relationship with sex is attainable.
Wherever you are in your healing, you're a survivor.
