My Britney Valentine
Bombastic Love
Happy belated Valentine's Day! I hope you're all still feeling the love. As I write this, I'm looking at a bouquet of roses from my boyfriend and wearing pink, so you know the affects have yet to wear off...
In elementary school Valentine’s Day was one of the best days of the year. We handed out cards, ate chocolate, and made crafts in heart-adorned outfits. The only rule was that you had to bring enough Valentines for everyone in your class. To me the best part was picking the right cards for each person. Even kids I didn’t talk to had to get something I thought they would like.
Conversely, when I brought candy for my coworkers last year, everyone was surprised. They found it strange that I would extend the celebration to acquaintances.
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I'm not sure when it became weird to show non-romantic affection on Valentine's, but the day is polarizing for most adults. It's like there are only two types of people in the world: single and taken.
Every year someone's loneliness is killing them....
Naturally a day about love has mutated into one about sex. So much so that Family Day is a separate holiday (in the same weekend), as if we couldn’t take time to acknowledge any loved ones beyond those we’re sleeping with.
Somehow a wholesome holiday has become a sore spot for singles and cross to bear for couples. Tiny cards and lollypops don't cut it anymore, and everyone seems a little on edge at the start of February. How did a celebration of love become such a sexualized burden?
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Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
Last week I wrote about the unfair treatment of cheerleaders. A major theme was the understanding of their sexuality as a marketing tool for teams and not something they could harness for themselves. In the afterglow of Valentine's Day I wanted to dive deeper on the distinction between being sexy and being sexualized. As women, it’s a tough line to decipher.
Author Farida D. outlines being sexual as a singular expression of who you are. like the colour of your hair or a preference for coffee over tea. You can define your sexuality however you’d like, and it becomes one component of your whole identity.
Being sexualized, however, puts that entire person’s value on their sexuality. It doesn’t matter what they do, say, or wear, they are always identified in terms of their relationship to sex. It's lorded over them and is completely beyond their control.
Here's an example:
Being sexual is like saying "I like the colour pink." You've now added this to your understanding of who I am as a person, and it has little to no ramification on how you see me. It is a small element you'll likely forget.
Being sexualized would be if you took the knowledge of my favourite colour and applied it to every other detail about me. This one piece of information is my sole identifier, and all that I do must link back to that key element. Anything other colour I wear then becomes a departure from my love of pink. Secretly we all know I'd rather be wearing pink, so me putting on something different MUST be meant to tease you into imagining me in pink.
See the difference?
This kind of thinking lends itself to "this or that" bucketing. Women become either virgins or whores. You either like sex or you don't, and that's all we need to know about you.
Think about the ways we were made to identify with characters as children. Girl next store Betty or sultry Veronica? Nerdy Velma or damsel-in-distress Daphne? The polarity is there for a reason. Once we understand how far you'll go, we know exactly how to shame you. If you aim to be too beautiful, you must love sex. If you prioritize education, no one wanted to touch you in the first place.
The problem is that our sexuality ceases to be our own. Farida D. goes on to explain that we learn “the only acceptable way for us to be sexual is when we are sexualized by men. We thus normalize being sexualized, and shun being sexual.”
How many girls did you know in high school that thought masturbating was abhorrent, but giving a blow job was common fare? This is an understanding of sexuality in relation to male sexualization. Someone at peace with their own sexuality may decide that blow jobs are how they have the most fun, but it would be an independent preference and not a prescriptive understanding based on shame.
And how are we meant to come into our own sexuality with all these outside forces? The best depiction I've ever seen of growing up as a woman came from Big Mouth. Jessi, one of the main characters, decides she’s ready for a bra. In the store she picks out a sexy red push-up and admires herself in the mirror. This is the kind of bra a real woman wears. The thought brings a confidence and a sultry demeanour to her character - Jessi is owning her sexuality and her developing body.
At least until she goes out in public.
When Jessi struts down the halls, the attention she receives is not what she bargained for. Feeling hot for herself was one thing, but it's tainted as soon as old teachers and boys blatantly ogle her chest. Her empowerment turns into a burden instantaneously, and her confidence is shattered by their sexualization.
As women it sometimes doesn't feel like we own our own sexuality at all. From the catcalls to media portrayal, to teens being sent home for spaghetti straps that are too "distracting".... all of it points to the reality that our sex live aren't solely for us.
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You Want a Piece of Me
No one understands being sexualized better than Miss American Dream herself. Britney Spears is the perfect example of the virgin/whore dichotomy.
Quite literally.
The media fixated on her virginity for years, constantly bring it up in interviews and putting her on the spot as a teenager. As soon as Justin bragged about sleeping with her on a radio interview, it was over for her reputation. Britney went from virgin to lying slut and nothing she could do would change the narrative. Her outfits, dating news, dance moves, photoshoots - anything and everything become proof that she was too skanky. So much so that Diane Sawyer told 22-year-old Brit in an interview that she had "disappointed a lot of mothers."
Ugh.
After Framing Britney Spears aired on the 5th, the world is recognizing its complicity in Britney’s notorious 2007 breakdown and resulting conservatorship. And, if that wasn't enough for you, here is a 3 hour fan-made doc of spliced together footage that I also highly recommend.
After years of misogynistic scrutiny, over sexualization, attacks on her abilities as a mother, swarms of paparazzi, a divorce, custody battles, and postpartum depression, it’s truly amazing that Britney only ever weaponized an umbrella.
The worst part being that the media spun her outbursts as proof that she was crazy. We never gave any empathy to her mental health or indicated that maybe she was at a breaking point. Instead her actions were weaponized against her in the form of the 13-year-old conservatorship (which you can read more about here, here, and here), which has stripped her of the right to make basic decisions regarding her personhood and her estate.
The message was "of course she can't take care of herself, she's a crazy woman."
This is especially infuriating considering all the male celebrities who have had violent outbursts with little to no repercussions. For example, Mel Gibson, Chris Brown, Shia Labeouf, and Aaron Carter - off the top of my head. None of these men were under nearly the same amount of scrutiny as Britney, and none of them received nearly as much backlash or any real legal consequences.
Sorry Chris Brown, a year in jail just doesn't compare to over a decade without agency....
Nor, shall I mention, did any of these dudes do anything as noteworthy as Brit. Lest we forget that she dropped Blackout - an impeccable album - in the middle of her 2007 ordeal, and has since gone on to do one of the most successful Vegas residencies of all time.
Truthfully I think it would have been a much harder play to get the 2008 conservatorship in place had she been a man. Look at Biebs or Macaulay Culkin. Child stars having a meltdown is standard fare, but the only one that apparently needs their estranged father to step in as decision-maker is the reckless blonde woman.
I don't think it's a coincidence, but that's my prerogative.
All that considered, Britney is a beacon of resiliency. And also for self love. She never apologized for wearing what she wanted. In fact, she often pushed boundaries on purpose, routinely wearing outlandish graphic tank-tops in front of the paparazzi.
I have been a Britney fan for as long as I can remember. When I'm sad I do a Britney Spears Power Hour. When I'm bored, I learn her choreography. It hurts to feel complicit in her hardships. We all bought into the media frenzy, hyper-sexualization, and torment of this poor woman.
From the bottom of our broken hearts, we’re sorry Britney.
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Stronger Than Yesterday
One of the saddest things about Britney’s story is that she endured it all alone. She took the media heat without anyone sticking up for her except the “Leave Britney Alone” hero.
This week my company hosted a sales rally. In it, we had Shawn Achor as a key note speaker. Shawn studies happiness for a living. He spent the hour block explain the science of happiness, and how we can use positivity to be more successful.
One example really struck a chord with me. Shawn explained that there is a kind of firefly that's whole population lights up at once. This is counter-intuitive for anyone who did grade 11 biology. Our general understanding of species involves “survival of the fittest”. In theory being the brightest firefly should be the most advantageous course of action.
That said, the bugs that light up together have actually been shown to attract more mates.
His takeaway is that happiness begets happiness. When you say something kind to your neighbour, they will likely say something kind back. The more we all light up together, the happier we will be.
Today we’re seeing people stand up for Britney. The masses are sending apologies and standing together to fight against sexism in the media and conservatorship abuse. The #MeToo movement did something similar, and the body positivity movement is working to the same goal. The more we are unified, the more we can make better for ourselves as women.
This is true on Valentine’s Day too.
As we learnt from The Grinch, our hearts can grow to accommodate more people. It's meant to be a day of love, and we don’t have to buy into the thought that romance always has to be sexy. If we all took the elementary school approach of bringing cards in for everyone, I bet we’d all feel a little happier and a little more connected.
Your Valentine's Day is not limited to whether you're single or taken. Your worth does not hinge on your sexuality. Sex is just one element of a woman's life - not her entire existence.
Similarly, sex is only one element of Valentine's day, not the sole focus of love
Too often women's romantic lives are weaponized against them. While we can't undo how we treated Britney Spears, we can use her story to become more compassionate, understanding, and united.
In the words of the queen herself: "Remember, no matter what we think we know about a person's life it is nothing compared to the actual person living behind the lens"
#FreeBritney
PS: How many Britney references did you catch?
