It’s Bitcoin Bitch
Wait, What?
Last week my favourite podcast dropped the news that Britney Spears was using Bitcoin as early as 2014 to hide transactions from her father and conservator, Jamie Spears.
Honestly didn't see that one coming.
In their show Toxic: The Britney Spears Story Tess Barker and Barbara Gray walk through financial records, court documents, and anything they can get their hands on to expose sketchy behaviour in Britney's conservatorship. So far they've unveiled that no capacity declaration was ever filed to warrant the guardianship in the first place, that Britney's intellectual property hasn’t been properly calculated as part of her estate, and that she may have gotten married in secret to a co-conservator.
Holy shit.
Earlier this summer Britney broke her silence on the conservatorship in a 24-minute statement to the court. She called the arrangement abusive, unnecessary, and repeatedly asked for her father to be removed. Since then she’s been granted new representation who’s pushing to strip Jamie Spears of his role.
As of now, no petition to end the conservatorship has been filed.
While Jamie and his legal team claim he will happily step down “when the time is right,” there’s been no real commitment for her father to relinquish control. The next hearing on September 29th will hopefully usher in an Autumn Goodbye to Jamie Spears.
But enough conservatorship chat, let's talk crypto.
Me trying to understand cryptocurrency
Got Lost In The (Crypto) Game
We’ve all met one. We all know one.
The 'crypto-bro' is a special breed of douche that loves flaunting their knowledge of highly volatile stocks. After politicians, these are the most notorious mansplainers out there. Their pride directly stems from how early they were in on the crypto game, how much Joe Rogan they’ve listened to, and their regurgitated opinions on Space X.
Urban dictionary offers this definition:
A young man on twitter who is an absolute hype beast for crypto-currencies and makes long term predictions, often backed by memed and self-fulfilling financial charts.
Of all things to use as a personality marker, cryptocurrency might be the lamest and least original one out there. Nevertheless, the community stands strong. One article goes as far as to say “to the world, they’re crypto bros. To each other, a brotherhood.”
Gag.
For those less-versed in the world of blockchains and shiba inu memes, here's a bite-sized synopsis. Cryptocurrencies are secured digital assets that exist in decentralized networks, meaning they are outside of any government regulation. The main draw is that crypto transactions don't rely on third parties like banks and credit card companies. Instead, a blockchain database stores all the information.
Bitcoin, the first blockchain-based cryptocurrency, has been around since January 2009, making it younger than Britney’s conservatorship. In 2017 Bitcoin had a hot streak of price surges that brought it into the mainstream. Anyone who had invested early made a killing, and they weren’t shy to share their views on the future of our financial system. Other currencies and crypto bros started popping up like Starbucks stores in a newly-gentrified neighbourhood.
The main criticism of crypto is that it's fraught with illegal activity. Stripping third parties from purchases allows unsavoury transactions to go unnoticed.
For Britney, Bitcoin was a hidden network she could use to cling to her freedom in secret. As scary as that is, her resourcefulness might have created a small nest egg outside of Jamie's control. Presuming Britney held onto 1 Bitcoin from 2014, she could be up $39,111.95. No one knows for sure, but she could likely use some extra cash considering how Jamie has been handling her money…
Despite its general success, the crypto market is still highly volatile. Loud supporters like Elon Musk have swayed prices with something as mindless as a tweet. The brotherhood is always keen to throw investments around for the greater good of the community. Earlier this year they attempted to send Dogecoin "to the moon" and helped it soar in price by 800%.
Elon did also tweet “Free Britney” on July 5th, so maybe his support coupled with her new status as an early adopter will rally the bros. Forget the moon, let's get Britney Swimming In The Stars.
Boys, Sometimes A Girl Just Needs One
On the flip side, Britney being a founding mother of crypto use could be enough to make incel-investors cower in shame, A pop star? More savvy than them? It’s an ego blow of "is it in?" proportions.
How upsetting it must be to feel inferior to the pinnacle dumb-blonde sex object of the 2000s.
By now you all know that I’ve been a major fan since I was little, but she and I have had our highs and lows. It wasn’t always (and maybe still isn’t) cool to be a Britney Spears fan un-ironically. It also wasn’t fashionable to use Bitcoin in 2014.
For anything to be considered cool, it needs the approval of men.
According to public opinion, anything teen girls like is stupid. Never mind that they popularized novels, crowned The Beatles, determined fashion trends, and represent one of the largest buying powers in the world.
Anything girls flock to is met with hostility, and having teenage fans is more likely to be a joke than a marker of success. Hilariously, those with the most fervent fan bases - Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Harry Styles - are often launched into a different stratosphere of fame. Yet we continually tell teen girls that what they like is meaningless.
Constance Grady writes for Vox that “to be a teenage girl is to simultaneously be pop culture’s ultimate punching bag, cash cow, and gatekeeper.”
Need proof? Look no further than the simultaneous success and disgust surrounding teen hits like High School Musical and Twilight.
In grade 8, I was a proud Twi-hard. I adored those books, and, at the time, I was staunchly Team Edward. While the books glamourize abusive relationships, they were also explosive. They were the peak cheesy romance novel: glittery vampires, restrained desire, multiple boys lusting after some innocuous and unpopular main character, danger-seeking... What more could you want?
Even though the novels were bestsellers, became successful movies, and are still a hot topic on TikTok in 2021, the general opinion is that they are stupid.
To that I say, so is Fast and Furious.
The difference is that teen girls' interests are met with scrutiny and judgement, whereas teen boys are free to enjoy something simply because it’s fun. Adam Sandler made a career out of idiotic, fart-filled films that appealed to kids simply because they were dumb. Why doesn’t Twilight get the same license to simply be enjoyable?
The screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg agrees:
We’ve seen more than our fair share of bad action movies, bad movies geared toward men or 13-year old boys. And you know, the reviews are like okay that was crappy, but a fun ride. But no one says “Oh my god. If you go to see this movie you’re a complete fucking idiot.” And that’s the tone, that is the tone with which people attack Twilight.
The artists creating for this demographic don’t get any respect either. Pitchfork, a notorious online music publication, refused to review any of Taylor Swift’s work for years. They had no problem, however, reviewing Ryan Adams’s COVER of HER album 1989 in 2015.
K. Fuck you too, Pitchfork.
Ryan Adams terrorized literal angel Mandy Moore and has likened himself to R. Kelly. So sure, let's prioritize his outstanding cover work and ignore the female artist it's based on.
In the 1990s Britney was a double-whammy: a teenage girl performing for other teenage girls. Critics dismissed her work like it was a sport.
In hindsight, we cringe at the late-night hosts asking her about her virginity, breast size, and the implications of her sexuality when she was a child. As she grew up it became cool to make fun of her, especially during her darkest days. Framing Britney Spears highlights moments on Family Feud and The View where we collectively laughed at her losses.
I fell into the trap of bullying one of my favourite artists to not be seen as lame. I chose to pursue 'cooler' bands and pretend I never sang along to "Lucky" at elementary school dances. I think most girls have tailored their interests to be respected, and I love Britney that much more knowing she never cared about being basic. To this day she writes Instagram captions about loving fairytales, flowers, and kittens.
And yes, she was also into crypto before you were. Suck it.
Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know
Besides Britney, not many women were quick to the crypto game. As of February, only 15% of bitcoin traders were women. In 2021, however, there has been a 1400% boost of women in the market. Unfortunately, very few can be attributed to Brit's influence. Many ladies joined the party after a Supreme Court ruling in March eliminated a ban on cryptocurrency in India. Women all over the country have been empowered to invest, and the data shows they’re doing so more aggressively than the average male user.
Get it, girls!
It’s not challenging to understand the appeal. Crypto eliminates the middle-men and red tape that used to be required to invest. Just take out your phone and you’re halfway there.
One time a man at the bank asked me if I knew how the “tab” button worked on a keyboard, so the thought of never visiting a branch again is delightful….
The quiet nature of crypto offers a freedom that has never before been available to segments of our population. Sadly, Britney isn’t the only woman under the control of a man. Many women live as dependants, and crypto is providing a private, online way for them to gain financial freedom in secret.
Britney’s case is a dark example of Bitcoin helping a captive. It's also only half of the story. While she's sneaking around to find burner phones and sending a few dollars on the blockchain, her public image is continually driving profits throughout the digital world.
Recently the ‘Leave Britney Alone’ Video sold as an NFT for $44,000. A cryptocurrency startup called Polymarket allows users to bet on pop culture issues. Namely, when Britney will get out of her conservatorship. Right now the odds say she has a 28% chance of legally removing her father by October 1.
It's all pretty disgusting when you consider the reality of her experience.
For the last 13 years, we haven’t known Britney’s true feelings about the conservatorship. Now she’s rediscovering her voice on social media. On Friday she posted “For some reason I feel like the world needs to be reminded…I may dance in my living room now but I sure as hell know who I am,” she wrote under a compilation of career highlights. “Most of these accomplishments were from BEFORE the conservatorship…NUFF SAID!!! Mic drop….”
If you didn’t think it could get better, she signs off with “PS KISS MY WHITE ASS”
The crypto queen has spoken, and we sure as hell haven't forgotten who she is. It's Britney, bitch. Nuff said.
